1
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,960
Enjoy your holiday.
Thank you.

2
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,640
Next, please. Buenos. Do you have
your paperwork?

3
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:45,960
No. It's under the name Noreen
Maltby and Pauline Mahmoud.

4
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,160
Ah, yes. I remembered you. The crazy
lady and the fat, crazy son.

5
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,960
That's right. Now, I...

6
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960
I beg your pardon?

7
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,960
Excuse me. Pardon me. Do you mind?

8
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,960
Now, what seems to be the hold-up?

9
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,960
Please. One crazy lady at a time.

10
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,960
It's all right. We're together.

11
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:10,960
One twin room under the names Maltby
and Mahmoud.

12
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,960
I've told him once.

13
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,000
Where is your confirmation?

14
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,960
(SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT) Look, let's
start as we mean to go on.

15
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:22,960
Each minute you're wasting here is
coming out of our holiday. Where's
the manager?

16
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,960
(DISGRUNTLED VOICES)
That's right.

17
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,960
We want the organ donor, not the
monkey.

18
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960
Hey, what you calling a monkey?

19
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:34,960
You know what she meant. Don't play
the racist card with me, my friend.

20
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,960
I've just spent four years married to
a Saudi.

21
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,960
This is the first time I've been in
the sun without a blanket on my head.

22
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:44,960
What's going on here? Get that pool
bar open. Right, who's next?

23
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,960
Yes. My mother and I wish to check
in.

24
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,960
Here are our passports.
We do not have our confirmation.

25
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:56,160
Ah, don't worry about that. Half the
people staying here can't even spell
their own surname.

26
00:01:56,960 --> 00:02:00,960
Why do I get the impression this
holiday was not a good idea?

27
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,960
Oh, my God. This place doesn't
change much, does it?

28
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,960
It's like an Hammer House of Horror
film.

29
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,960
Says Madge Barron, the bride of
Frankenstein.

30
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,960
My surname is Harvey.

31
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,960
I'm sure I've seen that woman
somewhere before.

32
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:37,960
That was it. She was in that
programme where they all had
embarrassing illnesses.

33
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,960
Everything downstairs had collapsed.

34
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:44,960
She had to wear five pair of
knickers to get out of the house
without leaving a trail.

35
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
I think I'm gonna be sick.

36
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,960
Looks like she's only got two pairs
on today.

37
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,960
I saw that one. That ain't her.

38
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,960
That woman had blotchy legs. Hers
look all right.

39
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,960
Er...do we have to?

40
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:00,960
(SNIFFING NOISILY)

41
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,960
I might have a salad today.

42
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,000
You don't want owt heavy when it's
hot, do you?

43
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,960
I must have had this cossie five
years.

44
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,960
It washes really well.

45
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,960
Isn't that pool a lovely blue?
Oh, for Christ's sake!

46
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,960
What's wrong with you? Do we have to
sit and listen to this drivel,

47
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,960
just cos we're not allowed to mention
that Lady Muck's in Shit Street?

48
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,960
Here we go.
Here we go what?

49
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,960
We sat all night not mentioning it.

50
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,960
Not mentioning what?
You're penniless,

51
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,000
homeless and in debt up to your
eyeballs.

52
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,160
Your problems won't go away just cos
we don't talk about them.

53
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,960
Yes. My late husband may have made a
few mistakes,

54
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:47,960
but don't you forget, as you sit
with a beer and cigarette in your
hands,

55
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,640
just how much he gave you,

56
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,960
while never asking for a penny in
return.

57
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,960
Now look what you've done. Oh, for
crying out loud! Where are you going?

58
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,640
Getting a coffee.
Two sugars, please.

59
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,960
Get it yourself.
(CHUCKLES) Now, there's a surprise.

60
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:09,480
Mick Garvey, public enemy number one.

61
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,960
Do you want anything, Michael?

62
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,960
What's going on? Your father's being
a dickhead, as usual.

63
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
Oh, right.

64
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960
(GASPS)

65
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,960
We meet again.

66
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,960
Yeah, funny, that(!) What were the
odds of that happening?

67
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,800
What do you mean?
I mean...

68
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,800
we're staying in the same hotel.

69
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,320
Who'd have thought we'd meet again
so soon(?)

70
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,960
But it's not that big.
And there's only one pool.

71
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,960
Yeah, that was...

72
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960
kind of my point.

73
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,960
Anyway, I'd better go and count my
flip-flops.

74
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960
No, wait a minute.

75
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,960
I was wondering...if you...

76
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,960
wanted to do something tonight.

77
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,960
Depends what you had in mind.

78
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,480
Oh, you're so beautiful! I just want
to grab you!

79
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,960
You do realise you just said that
out loud?

80
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,960
Sorry. Sometimes things just come out
of my mouth.

81
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960
I meant, like...

82
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,960
I once had this puppy. I called it
Keith,

83
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,960
and I just wanted to squeeze it, cos
it was so cute.

84
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,320
And I assume Keith is no longer with
us.

85
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,960
No, he died.
There's a surprise(!)

86
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,960
No, I didn't kill him.

87
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,960
No, no, Keith died of old age.

88
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,640
Well, at least the story's got a
happy ending(!)

89
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,960
So, do you fancy going on a date?

90
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,160
I promise not to squeeze you to
death.

91
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,960
Ahh. That's really sweet, Liam.

92
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,480
But I'm not 100 per cent available.

93
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,960
Oh, that's all right. I'll take the
bit that is available.

94
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,960
(CHUCKLES)

95
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,960
That's a joke. I would prefer all of
you.

96
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,960
She's shagging barmen!
That's not true.

97
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,000
Which one?
No...

98
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,960
I'm not seeing anyone.

99
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:25,960
I used to go out with a barman, but
I don't any more. I'm single.

100
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:32,160
The one she nearly married, but he
forgot about her when she finished
her holiday. Funny, that.

101
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,960
Sorry - I have to go and stand on my
friend's neck for a bit.

102
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960
So, you are single, then?

103
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,960
Yeah, I'm single.
Cool.

104
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,960
Cool.

105
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,960
You really are genuinely
hilarious(!)

106
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960
Aren't I?
No.

107
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,960
You still haven't spoken to him,
have you?

108
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,160
No, I haven't. And I'm not going to.

109
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,960
Listen. I was thinking about
checking out a few clubs tonight.

110
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,480
Let us know how you get on.

111
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,160
I wondered if you fancied it.

112
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,000
No, cos it's actually us that are
together.

113
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,640
Me and Natalie.
Do you know what I mean?

114
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,960
Oh...!

115
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,960
Oh, it all makes sense now.

116
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,960
She's winding you up.

117
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,960
Well, I thought YOU looked a bit
dykey, but I didn't want to say
anything.

118
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:39,000
But I'm cool with it, cos my dad's a
transvestite, so...

119
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,640
So, let's all have a big
lesbian-transvestite party(!)

120
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,960
Cool!
We're not lesbians.

121
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,960
I don't even like her very much.

122
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,160
Yeah. We'll come out with you
tonight.

123
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,960
Excuse me?
What else are we gonna do?

124
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,960
Oh, it was a joke! (LAUGHS)

125
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,960
I knew you were too hot to be a
rug-muncher. I'll see you both
tonight.

126
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,000
(CHUCKLES)

127
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,960
Seriously, you do not fancy that, do
you?

128
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,960
Course I don't, but he is quite
funny.

129
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,960
'I knew you were too hot to be a
rug-muncher.'

130
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,000
It's gonna be such a lovely
evening(!)

131
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:35,960
Now, what I tend to do is get a
little spot just over there,

132
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,160
not too far away from the bar,
but...

133
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,160
No, no. The sun is too direct there.

134
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,960
Do you want to die of skin cancer?
Is that what you want?

135
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:49,960
Well, not really. I tend to use a
high-factor cream.
Plus, I don't really...

136
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,960
No, this way. Come on. This way.

137
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,960
Oh, hello!

138
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
Your other friend not with you?

139
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,960
No, he's had to go...
Come on.

140
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,640
You know all the movers and
shakers(!)

141
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,320
That's Noreen. She usually comes
with her son,

142
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,960
but he's obviously grown out of
that.

143
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
How old was he?
About 46.

144
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:15,960
Well, it looks like Noreen's found
herself a rather forceful young lady
friend.

145
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,320
That must be her daughter.

146
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,960
Yeah, right(!) Have you never seen
The Killing Of Sister George?

147
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:26,000
Come the end of this holiday, them
two will be dressing like Laurel and
Hardy and smoking cigars.

148
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,960
Are you texting Troy?
Yes.

149
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,960
Funny, isn't it? He's sitting by his
father's death bed,

150
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,960
and you're on holiday, slapping on
the factor-20 and knocking back the
sangrias.

151
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,800
What do you mean by that?
Nothing.

152
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,960
The only reason I came here is
because I don't know Troy's father.
I'd just be in the way.

153
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:47,000
Yeah, absolutely. Troy hardly knows
his father. It's very difficult.

154
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:50,960
I hear you, sister. And the only
reason YOU are on this holiday

155
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,960
is because Troy was kind enough to
let you take his place.

156
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,960
Oh, he was(!)

157
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,960
Hola. New menus.
Oh, ta.

158
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,640
I'm just about due a nosebag.
Thank you.

159
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,800
What is 'nosebag'?

160
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,800
What they put on a horse when he has
his dinner.

161
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,960
Ah, like bag with food for the
horse.

162
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,960
That's right.
A nosebag. (CHUCKLES)

163
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,960
I like this!

164
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,640
See anything you like?

165
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,960
Oh, yes.
He means on the menu.

166
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:21,960
Oh, right. Erm...

167
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,160
I'll have the steak, please.

168
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,640
Very rare. Just a faint pulse.

169
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,960
And for you? There's absolutely
nothing I can have.

170
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,960
He's on a diet.

171
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,960
Green salad, with dressing on the
side.

172
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,800
So, that's a rare steak for one
hungry horse,

173
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,960
and a salad for one starving cow.

174
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,960
Gracias.

175
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,640
De nada.

176
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:46,960
Ooh!

177
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,960
I think he needs one of my special
back rubs.

178
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960
You must be the only person here he
hasn't been with.

179
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,320
What, even you?
Oh, certainly not!

180
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960
Just about everyone else, though.

181
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:00,960
Oh, I'm not bothered.

182
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,960
When it comes to sloppy seconds,
I don't mind bringing up the rear.

183
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,960
Oh, sorry, love. These sun beds
belong to someone.

184
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,960
I think we've got somebody's sun
beds.

185
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,800
Hello. I'm sorry. Are these yours?

186
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,960
There are no towels here. These are
free.

187
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,800
I've just told you - they're not
free.

188
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,960
Hey, what do you think you're doing?

189
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,960
I've just said: these are our sun
beds.

190
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,320
Come on. Let's have you.
Did you just touch me?

191
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,320
Did you just touch me?!

192
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,960
What's wrong with her? I never went
anywhere near you.

193
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,960
I just want our sun beds back.

194
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,480
Come on. Right.

195
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,960
(GRUNTS)

196
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,960
No! I'm not giving it to you!

197
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960
(MOANS) I'm not giving it to you!

198
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,960
What's going on?

199
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,960
I'm not giving it to her.

200
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,960
So, this Lesley-Les thing -
why do you do it?

201
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,960
I've never really thought about it.
Are you two different people?

202
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,960
Well...kind of. It's hard to explain.

203
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:28,800
I mean, you are not like a vampire
or werewolf?

204
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:33,320
When you change, you still have
your...pee-pee - yes?

205
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,960
All right, Dumb and Dumber. Get the
bar cleaned up.

206
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:40,960
Hey, I've done all the mixers,
cleaned the drinks machine and topped
up the spirits.

207
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,960
And what have you done?

208
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,960
Don't worry - I know.

209
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:49,800
Done your hair. Flicked through a
copy of American Vogue.

210
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,960
(CHUCKLES) You know, sometimes it's
difficult to tell

211
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,000
which one's on the change.

212
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:58,320
Ha-ha-ha(!) Why do you do all these
things and make me look bad? Huh?

213
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,160
If a pattern emerges, look to
yourself.

214
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,960
I don't know what that means.
Look...

215
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,800
If I look after my side of things and
you look after yours,

216
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,960
everybody will get on champion, young
'un.

217
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,800
Really?

218
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,960
That's what you think.

219
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,960
One large Honky-Tonk and one regular
Witch's Tit.

220
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:27,960
Lovely. Thank you, Lesley. How are
the new cocktails going down?

221
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,320
Oh, champion, man. They can't get
enough of them.

222
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,960
I think it's the funny names that
they like. You know? (CHUCKLES)

223
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,960
I'll see you later.

224
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,960
Oh, hello. Are these seats free?

225
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,960
Absolutely. Grab some plastic.

226
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:43,960
It's Don, isn't it?

227
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:47,960
Donald and Jacqueline. You remember
Noreen?

228
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960
Hello again.
Hello.

229
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,960
This is my daughter Pauline.

230
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,960
Great to meet you.

231
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,000
It's very hot.
Oh, you've hit the high season.

232
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,960
Do what we do - drink plenty of
liquids and sleep in the nude.

233
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,960
I don't think I shall be sleeping in
the nude. I've seen the bedding.

234
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,960
Ooh, you sound foreign.

235
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:12,800
Pauline lived in South Africa for
ten years.

236
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,960
Now she's in Dubai. We're having
this holiday to catch up,

237
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,640
before she moves back properly to
the UK.

238
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,640
Oh, lovely. Do you like it here?

239
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,960
Not really, what I've seen of it so
far.

240
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960
We asked for a low-level apartment.

241
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,960
They've put us on the 11th floor.

242
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,960
We're the same. We're on the top
floor and I have no head for
heights.

243
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,960
Plus, Donald sleep-walks, as well.

244
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,160
We had a siesta yesterday afternoon,

245
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,960
and he stumbled out onto the
balcony,

246
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,960
still asleep, climbed over it,

247
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,960
and sat right on the edge.

248
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,480
He was swinging backwards and
forwards,

249
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,960
and you could see people down below,

250
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,960
terrified he was going to toss
himself off.

251
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,960
(CLEARS THROAT)

252
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,800
We could have a walk into Benidorm,
if you wanted.

253
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,960
I think that's a good idea.

254
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,000
We'll see you later. Bye-bye.

255
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,480
Handsome woman.
Oh, yes.

256
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,960
Right. We've got work to do.

257
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,960
Oh, yeah.

258
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,960
What are they doing?

259
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,960
No? Oh...

260
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,960
It doesn't bear thinking about. And
don't ask them, either.

261
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,000
If you show the remotest interest,

262
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,160
you'll end up dangling from a
crucifix, wearing a rubber corset.

263
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,960
Wouldn't be the first time.
Right. Who's the Virgin Mary?

264
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,960
That'll be me.

265
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,960
And you must be the Angry Dwarf.

266
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,960
I ordered it for you. It's supposed
to be nice.

267
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:54,960
Enjoying your holiday? It's not so
much enjoying, more tolerating.

268
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,960
Hey, you'll not get a better
all-inclusive than this, you know.

269
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,960
Plus, we've got the best pool in
Benidorm.

270
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,960
He's joking. This is his fourth
time. You're doing something right.

271
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,960
But YOU'RE new here.
Oh, aye, it's my first week.

272
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,960
They decided it was time for a bit of
fresh meat. Any cheesy nibbles?

273
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
Oh, not for me, thanks.

274
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,960
Gavin...would you like to try
Lesley's cheesy nibbles?

275
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,640
Oddly enough, no.
Gavin's on a diet.

276
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,960
Oh, I used to struggle with MY
weight. Used to?

277
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,480
But when I hit 40, last year,
the weight just fell off.

278
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:30,960
And ever since then, I've been lucky
enough to maintain my schoolgirl
figure.

279
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
Aye.

280
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:33,960
(MUNCHING) I'll see you later.

281
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,800
Isn't that the schoolgirl figure
Jamie Oliver campaigns against?

282
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,960
Oh, top form! (LAUGHING)

283
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,960
Right, Mam. Let's be having you.

284
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,320
What do I want to go to a water park
for?

285
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:51,960
Oh, you know you want to.
I can just see you coming down a
slide on your scooter.

286
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,320
I thought we were all going.
Well, I've changed my mind.

287
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,960
Oh...

288
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,960
All right. We'll go later in the
week.

289
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,960
Oh, Nana, please. I really wanted to
go today.

290
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,960
To be honest, I just want to spend a
bit of time on my own.

291
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,960
On your own? You've been on your tod
for the past six months.

292
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,960
And that's how I like it. You go.

293
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,960
It'll give me a chance to go to the
indoor market.

294
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,960
Well, we'll only be a couple of
hours. See you later, Mam.

295
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,960
Nana, I've got the money I saved up
for my holidays,

296
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,160
but it's all-inclusive, so I don't
really need it.

297
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,960
Oh, I don't want your money,
darling.

298
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,960
You go and enjoy yourself. You...

299
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,960
Jesus! How much is there?

300
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960
It's about 200 euros.

301
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:42,960
Tell you what. You give me that to
look after, and if I see anything
nice, I'll get it for you.

302
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,960
All right. See you later.

303
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,960
Another coffee, Mrs H?
No.

304
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960
I'm off to get my hair done.

305
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,960
Hurry up! I wanna get in the water.

306
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,320
Hold on. Your mother wants a lolly.
Do you not want an ice cream?

307
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,320
No, I just want to get in.

308
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,960
Well, you can only go in with a
responsible adult.

309
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,480
Oh, don't say that. I wanted to go
in with my dad.

310
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,640
Wey-hey! He's learning!

311
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,960
Oh, come on. What's the hold-up?

312
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,800
The lollies will be out of date when
we get there.

313
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,000
No. Look at the one I'm pointing to.

314
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,960
That is not mint choc chip.

315
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,960
What you're showing me is mint choc
chip.

316
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,960
Why don't you have another one of
them slush drinks?

317
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,320
I don't want another one. The last
one gave me brain freeze.

318
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,480
Oh, like Walt Disney?

319
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960
What?
Didn't he have his brain frozen,

320
00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:00,800
in case they found out how to bring
people back to life?

321
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,960
I don't know what you're talking
about.

322
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,960
Excuse me. There's people back here
spitting feathers...

323
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,160
Oh, it's you. I might have guessed.

324
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,960
She's just choosing an ice cream.

325
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:15,480
This is a queue. I'm at the front of
it; you're at the back of it. Deal
with it.

326
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,960
Did she keep the receipt from the
charm school(?)

327
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,960
The more you breathe down my neck,
the longer it will take me to
decide. You understand?

328
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,960
She doesn't want a slush, because it
freezes her brain.

329
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,320
Can you not get one that freezes her
gob?

330
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:31,960
Oh, come on. I'm not bothered about
a lolly. Oh, hello.

331
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,960
Why don't we get you a lolly when we
get ours?

332
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,960
Because the park shuts at seven,
and if she pisses about, we'll still
be here.

333
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,960
Do you mind? I don't take kindly to
that kind of language.

334
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,960
Here you go, Mum.
Hey, where did you get them?

335
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,960
There's another shop round the
corner. No queue.

336
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,960
Wait. What are you doing? You
can't...

337
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,480
See you later! Mmm...

338
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,960
Hola.
Hello, love.

339
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,800
(CLEARS THROAT)

340
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,960
I'm all right for a drink, thank
you.

341
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,960
I'm sorry to hear about your
husband.

342
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,960
He was a good man.

343
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,960
Yes, he was a good man.

344
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,960
I remembered your wedding on the
beach.

345
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,960
Beautiful day.
Yeah.

346
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,960
When the fat man drop-kicked him
from the parachute...

347
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,960
I thought it was all over for Senor
Harvey.

348
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,320
No. He was made of stern stuff.

349
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,960
Do you remember the morning he
nearly drowned in the pool?

350
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:05,960
I think this was the day before he
was almost killed by an electric
juicer.

351
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,960
He had his scrapes - I'll give you
that.

352
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,960
And the time he was nearly barbecued
when his mobility shop burned to the
ground.

353
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,960
All right. Just fuck off now.

354
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,960
I was just - how you say? -
reminiscing.

355
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,960
Really? Well...

356
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,960
If you don't frig off, people around
here will be reminiscing

357
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,960
about that waiter who got run over
by an electric scooter.

358
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,960
So, you're finding your feet?

359
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:02,960
Oh, yeah. It beats being on my hands
and knees all day. (CHUCKLES)

360
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,960
What did you do before you started
here?

361
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,960
Actually, I don't want to know.

362
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,640
Right. There's a time to chat and a
time to work. Now's the time to work.

363
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,960
You could do with taking a leaf out
of his book.

364
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,960
Whatever book he has, I do not want
to read it.

365
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,960
It means you should be more like
him.

366
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960
You want me to dress like this?

367
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,960
You know what I mean.

368
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,960
So, you have not heard the
complaints?

369
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,960
What complaints?

370
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:37,960
Some of the parents of the
children - they are concerned.

371
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,960
Concerned about a fella dressed as a
woman?

372
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960
Have they never been to a pantomime?

373
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,960
I'll tell you what - it's all go
today.

374
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,960
Are you sure this just isn't you
trying to have a go at him?

375
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:54,960
Why would I do this? He does all the
work. I look after the bar.

376
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,800
We are a good team.

377
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,960
It's just...his scary look is making
the little children cry.

378
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,960
This cannot be a good thing.

379
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,960
OK. Leave it with me.

380
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,960
I can't have people complaining.

381
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,960
I'll tell him not to come dressed as
Lesley no more.

382
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,960
I think this is the best.

383
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,960
Yeah, right. Anyway, get this bar
cleared up.

384
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,960
Yes, Janey.

385
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,960
Adios, Lesley!

386
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,960
(CHUCKLES)

387
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,960
OK. Balls are in short supply,

388
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,960
so you'll have to go gentle with me.

389
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,960
Oh, sounds fun. Can we watch?

390
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,960
Why don't you join in?
Absolutely.

391
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,480
How about mixed doubles?

392
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:41,960
What do you think?

393
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,960
With us four at the table, doubles
have never been so mixed.

394
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,960
Smashing. I'll get the other bats.

395
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,960
And I'll get the drinks.
Perfect!

396
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,960
I'm afraid you'll have to go easy on
me. I'm not a natural sportsman.

397
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,960
I've always been good at sports.
I don't know why.

398
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,960
Anything with balls, and you can't
keep me off it.

399
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:05,480
You don't say?
Any word on Troy's dad?

400
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,960
I spoke to Troy this morning. He's
stable.

401
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,960
I think, if his condition doesn't
deteriorate, Troy will come here
next week.

402
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:15,160
Oh, lovely! Then it'll be the three
of you.

403
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,960
Makes it a bit more exciting,
doesn't it?

404
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:21,960
Well, no. Kenneth works for us in
our salon, so he'll be going back.

405
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,960
I see.

406
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,480
I had a Saturday job in a hair salon
when I was at school.

407
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,800
Oh, really?
Yeah.

408
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:33,960
Well, I say 'hair salon'. It was
more of a beauty parlour.

409
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:39,960
Well, I say 'beauty parlour'. It was
more of a massage parlour.

410
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,960
Well, I say 'massage parlour'.
It was more of a...

411
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,960
Yes, I think I understand.

412
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:51,800
Here you are. A pre-match warm-up
and oranges for half-time...

413
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:52,960
with a double vodka in them.

414
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,960
Oh, I love shots!

415
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,960
What is this?
I don't know, but it was free.

416
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,960
Oh...

417
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,960
(BOTH INHALE DEEPLY)

418
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,960
Like that game we had when we were
kids. Hungry Hippos?

419
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,960
No, that long bird who used to dip
her head into the glass.

420
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,960
I don't think we need to bring your
mother into this.

421
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,960
Right. Game on.

422
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,960
Gavin was saying you work for him at
the hair salon.

423
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,000
Well, I like to think I work WITH
him.

424
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,960
He likes to think that, but he
actually works FOR me.

425
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,960
Shall we serve?
Why not?

426
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,960
Ow!
Oh, sorry! Are you all right?

427
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,960
Apart from the ping-pong ball
embedded in my stomach, yes.

428
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,960
Right. Bob Marley - one-love.

429
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,960
(LAUGHS) Very good!

430
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:48,960
Who is it?
Bob Marley - one-love.

431
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,160
Oh, is it 'winner stays on'?

432
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:55,160
What are you talking about?
This Bob fella. Is he on next?

433
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,960
No, Bob Marley sang a song called
One Love.

434
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:00,960
Did he? Oh, lovely.

435
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,960
Right. So, what's the score, then?

436
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:04,960
ALL: One-love!

437
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,960
Oh, yeah. Right.

438
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,160
My serve again. Here we go.

439
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,160
(MOUTHING)

440
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,960
Look, we may go and sit down, catch
the last couple of hours of sun.

441
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,960
All right. No problem.
See you later.

442
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,000
Oh, yeah. See you later.

443
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,960
No way. Absolutely no way.
Oh, come on!

444
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,960
Remember when you used that bidet in
the hotel?

445
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,960
Well, it's just like that - except,
you're moving, instead of the water.

446
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,960
Get lost.
Come on, Mam. It'll be brilliant.

447
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,960
I'll tell you what. You and your dad
go down it, and I'll take your
picture.

448
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:03,960
They take your picture, anyway.
See? They take your picture, anyway.

449
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,960
You have to pay for it, but it's a
big one in a frame.

450
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,960
No, your mother's right. She should
stay here.

451
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,960
Well, we need someone to look after
our stuff.

452
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:14,960
Go on. Hurry up.

453
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:19,960
Hello again.
Oh, hiya. Did you get an ice cream?

454
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,960
Oh, yes. Queued for half an hour,

455
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,960
but it's all part of the fun, in't
it?

456
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:27,000
Yeah, I suppose so.

457
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:31,960
Have you seen my daughter?
We seem to have got separated.

458
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:37,320
Oh, no, I haven't. I shouldn't
worry. She's not a kiddie any more.

459
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,960
She was 40 last week.

460
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,960
Have you thought about getting them
to make an announcement?

461
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,960
No, she didn't like to make a fuss.
She didn't even want a party.

462
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:51,160
I don't mean about her being 40.
I mean about her being lost.

463
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,960
I'll give her another ten minutes.
You know what kids are like.

464
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,960
Yeah.

465
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,480
Have you heard from Geoff and
Chantelle?

466
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:01,960
Oh, yes, I speak to Geoff every day.

467
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,960
Well, I don't actually speak to him.

468
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,960
I send him messages on his mobile
phone.

469
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:10,160
He's got all the gadgets.

470
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:13,960
Oh, yeah. I spoke to Telle
yesterday...

471
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,160
Are you on Twitter?
Am I on what?

472
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:21,960
Twitter. It's like E-mail, only a
bit more hit and miss.

473
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:23,960
Oh, no, not really.

474
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:27,960
I tried texting, but my phone keeps
trying to finish my sentences for
me.

475
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:30,960
Oh. Well, on Twitter,

476
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:34,960
if you follow someone, you can send
them a message,

477
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:36,960
and they usually answer.

478
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,960
Unless they're famous. Then they
usually don't bother.

479
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:44,960
Mind you, I was following Bill Oddie
for weeks,

480
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,960
but it turned out it wasn't him.

481
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,960
It were a psychiatric patient in
Eastbourne,

482
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,640
pretending to be Bill Oddie.

483
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:55,960
It certainly had me fooled!

484
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,160
We're not pushing in. Just having a
look.

485
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,960
Oh, come on! What's going on?

486
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:09,960
Oh, bloody hell! Not you again!

487
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,000
(IMPATIENTLY IN SPANISH)

488
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,000
Tell her I'll do it in my own time.

489
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,960
How can I? I don't speak the bloody
lingo!

490
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,960
I'm not ready to do it yet!
Well, stand over there, then!

491
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,640
Then I might not do it at all.
Oh, for Christ's sake!

492
00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:27,320
You're going down a bloody slide,
not being pushed out of a 747!

493
00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,960
What?
747. It's an aeroplane.

494
00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:33,960
Oh, great(!) Now you're making me
even more nervous, talking about
aeroplanes.

495
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,960
There's nothing to be nervous about.
Just get out of the way.

496
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:39,960
No. (SHRIEKS)
Yes. Look, if you just...

497
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:41,960
(SHRIEKS)

498
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:44,960
Well, they're taking their time.

499
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:48,160
Are you waiting for someone to come
down the slide?

500
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,640
Yeah.
Oh, anybody I know?

501
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:55,960
My son and my husband.
Oh, lovely.

502
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:57,960
(PAULINE SHOUTING ANGRILY)

503
00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:01,000
Somebody's making a right carry-on
at the top.

504
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,000
Can you hear them?

505
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:08,960
That'd be me shouting like that, if
they'd got me up there.

506
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:11,960
Not that they would.

507
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:13,960
I don't like heights.

508
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:15,960
Or water.

509
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,960
I'm not that keen on the sun, to be
honest.

510
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,960
(MICK SHOUTING ANGRILY)
Oh, heck!

511
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:26,960
That doesn't sound too good.

512
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:29,960
(MICK AND PAULINE SHRIEKING)

513
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,320
(SHRIEKS)
What's going on?

514
00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:42,960
It was her! She wouldn't come down on
her own.

515
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:44,640
So, you thought you'd get in with
her?

516
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,160
No! She rammed it over me and pushed
me down. (WHIMPERING)

517
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:51,960
Will you shut up? My knickers! I lost
my knickers on the way down!

518
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:53,960
Her knickers?

519
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,960
I think she means her bikini bottom.

520
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,000
Get out of that rubber ring now!

521
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,160
I'm trying!
(SHRIEKS)

522
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:06,960
(GRUNTS)

523
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,960
I can't see, Mum! I can't see!

524
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,960
(CHUCKLES)

525
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:16,960
Oh, I don't know!

526
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:20,960
They're into everything at that age,
aren't they?

527
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:22,960
(PAULINE WAILING)

528
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,960
Why are we walking on the beach? I'm
getting sand in my camel-toe.

529
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,960
Shut up moaning. We're nearly there.

530
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:41,960
Why are we walking on the sand?

531
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:43,960
I thought it would be romantic.

532
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:46,960
Oh, right.

533
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:48,960
Listen...

534
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:50,960
Why don't we go back to my
apartment?

535
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,960
It'll be empty for another couple of
hours.

536
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,960
Listen, Liam.

537
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:57,960
I think you're a really nice guy,
but...

538
00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,960
But what? I thought you said you
liked me.

539
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,960
Well, I think you're really funny.

540
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:05,960
Yeah. A lot of my mates say that.

541
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:08,960
(GASPS)

542
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:12,960
Ooh, ooh, careful. Ooh.

543
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:17,000
Ah. It was just a matter of time
until you two crazy kids got
together.

544
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:18,960
You look so sweet.

545
00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:24,800
It reminds me of my cousin Leanne.
She's got a son with learning
difficulties, as well.

546
00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:26,960
Come on! I need a vodka.

547
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:44,960


548
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:51,480

right to

549
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:54,960
All I'm saying is, it was a genuine
misunderstanding.

550
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,960
All right. Now, will you sit down and
leave us alone?

551
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:01,960
I feel I owe some sort of apology to
your wife.

552
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:03,960
You don't want to do that.
No, seriously.

553
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,960
I'll feel terrible if I don't speak
to her.

554
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:09,960
Believe me - you'll feel a hell of a
lot worse if you do.

555
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:14,960


556
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,160
Mick!

557
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,480


558
00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:24,480


559
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:30,960
Come on. Let's get sat down,

560
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:33,960
or else we won't get a table.

561
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,960
You're a good-looking man.
Oh, for Christ's sake!

562
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,960
Come on.

563
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,960
That was our lovely Janice Garvey
there,

564
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,960
with a Dolly Parton number - Here
You Come Again.

565
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:47,960
Now we're gonna have a ten-minute...

566
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:49,960
Hey, that were brilliant!
What did she want?

567
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:51,960
She came over to apologise.

568
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:54,960
Funnily enough, she didn't say what
for.

569
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,960
Like she said, just a
misunderstanding.

570
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:03,960
(SIGHS)

571
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,960
She said Mick was a good-looking
fella.

572
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:11,960
You what?
No, she didn't.

573
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:14,960
How do you manage with just a knife
and fork?

574
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,480
What do you mean? You need a spoon,
with all the shit-stirring you do.

575
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:21,960
Oh, do you mind not talking about
S-H-I-T?

576
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:23,960
You're putting me off my curry.

577
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:25,960
We met that woman at the water park.

578
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:27,960
My dad got stuck in her ring.

579
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:31,960
And I ended up with her knickers on
my head.

580
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,320
It wasn't as bad as it sounds.

581
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,960
Are you gonna eat that? It's pasta.
I'm not doing carbohydrates.

582
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:43,960
So why did you order it? I thought
I could pick out the chicken.

583
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:46,960
So why aren't you?
Because it's in a cream sauce!

584
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,960
(SIGHS) You should have had this
curry. It's gorgeous.

585
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:53,960
Mind you, I'll have to be careful.

586
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:57,640
What do you mean? Well, I'll put an
extra valance on that bed tonight.

587
00:34:57,640 --> 00:34:59,960
You don't wanna follow through after
a lamb bhuna.

588
00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:02,640
Oh...!
Hello, boys.

589
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:07,320
We forgot to ask you earlier.
I don't suppose you've got any spare
change, have you?

590
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:11,960
Not really. Why?
Oh, it's for a very good cause.

591
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:21,960
(POUNDING DANCE MUSIC)

592
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:37,960
Looks like Sam's got her hands full.

593
00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:41,960
I think it's the other way round.

594
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,960
Listen. What about an ice cream on
the beach?

595
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:49,960
I don't think Sam's going anywhere.

596
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:56,960
Well, I didn't mean Sam.
I meant me and you.

597
00:35:56,960 --> 00:36:00,960
I'm sorry. I'm not leaving my best
friend here with Uncle Fester.

598
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:05,960
He's her uncle?

599
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:07,960
That's a bit weird, isn't it?

600
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:32,320
Listen. I've been asking around
about what you said.

601
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:36,960
About what I said? About Lesley
frightening the kiddies and that.

602
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:39,960
I didn't say they were frightened.
I just said they were confused.

603
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:41,960
Is it a man? A woman?

604
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,960
And they ask their parents strange
questions.

605
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,480
I say, 'Live and let live,'

606
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:49,800
but it's not fair on the children.

607
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,960
You're right. It's too confusing.

608
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,960
That's why we're giving the
pool-side bar a proper theme.

609
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,960
What is a theme?
We're making it into a drag bar.

610
00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:00,640
You know, with all the men dressed
as women.

611
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:02,960
You are not bringing more like him?
No.

612
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:05,960
Just you and Lesley.

613
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:06,960
What?!

614
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:08,960
Janey, no.

615
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:10,960
You can't do this. I will leave.

616
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:13,960
Oh, sorry to hear that. It's been
lovely working with you.

617
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,960
Janey, please, I need this job.
Then be in an hour early tomorrow.

618
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:19,800
Why?
To practise walking in your heels.

619
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:23,960
Janey, please, no.

620
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:25,960
Janey, you can't do this. Please.

621
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,960

Texas plays

622
00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:34,800

it, baby, stay with me

623
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,960

with spades to start

624
00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:42,960

play the one that's on his heart

625
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:47,960


626
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,960

I've got

627
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:55,960


628
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:58,960

I've got

629
00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:04,960

No, he can't read my poker face

630
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:12,960

No, he can't read my poker face

631
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:19,960
(POUNDING DANCE MUSIC)

632
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,960
Listen, Natalie.

633
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,960
I like you...a lot.

634
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,480
I know. You said.

635
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,960
But I don't want to pressure you.

636
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:43,960
I mean...I've got an apartment to
myself.

637
00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:48,480
But I'm just happy being in your
company.

638
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:50,960
Thank God for that.
What?

639
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:53,960
I said: OK.

640
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:03,960
Time for bed!

641
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:05,960
Fantastic!
No.

642
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:07,960
I mean on my own.

643
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:10,960
Oh, yeah. Yeah, no pressure.

644
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:12,960
I'll walk you back.

645
00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:21,960
Listen. I think we might go back to
the Solana.

646
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:25,960
Wey-hey! I see you found your beer
goggles. What?

647
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:29,960
I don't blame you. He's as thick as
two short planks,
but he's worth a squirt.

648
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:31,960
No, I'm not getting off with Liam!

649
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,960
We're just going back to the Solana.
Are you coming?

650
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,960
I'm fine.
Sam, are you sure?

651
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:39,960
We can stay out with you, if you
want.

652
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:45,960
Listen. I wasn't gonna say owt, but
I was gonna try and lose you two at
some point.

653
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:49,960
I mean, don't get me wrong. You're
lovely people,

654
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:51,960
but you're both so fucking dull.

655
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,960
OK. Well, see you back there, then.

656
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:58,160
Yeah. See you later.

657
00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,320
Whooo!

658
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:03,960
Are you ready?
Absolutely.

659
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:09,960
Hang on. I don't know if she's got a
key to get in.

660
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:12,960
Oh, she can get another one at the
hotel.

661
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:17,960
You're joking? She doesn't know her
own name right now, let alone what
room number she's in.

662
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:19,960
One second.

663
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:24,960
(SHOUTING AND LAUGHING)

664
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:29,960
Whoo!
Have you got a key?

665
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:33,960
Yeah, I know.
No. Have you got a key?

666
00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,960
Uhh...
A key for the room.

667
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:38,960
Oh, yeah. Just leave it there.

668
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,960
No. You'll forget it.

669
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,960
For God's sake! You treat me like
some sort of idiot!

670
00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:46,320
(GRUNTS)

671
00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:48,480
Aaaarghh!

672
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:52,480
(GROANS)

673
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:57,960
Oh, my God. My leg. My leg.

674
00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,960
I think I've broken my leg.

675
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:02,960
Well, don't just stand there, you
fat dick! Get an ambulance!

676
00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:09,960


677
00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:15,960
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

678
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,960
Thank you. I love you! I love you.
Thank you.

679
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,800
That was our very own Lesley,

680
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:28,640
with Lady Gaga's Poker Face,
apparently.

681
00:41:28,640 --> 00:41:30,960
Now we have a real Benidorm
favourite.

682
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,960
The one and only Shaun Foster
Conley.

683
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:44,480


684
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:49,960

yourself

685
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:53,960
Madge...

686
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:56,960
Have you got a moment?
What do you want?

687
00:41:56,960 --> 00:42:00,960
First, let me just say I can't
imagine what you've been going
through.

688
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,960
What are you talking about?
Well, you know.

689
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:05,960
All your problems.

690
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:09,000
The world at your feet, and then
suddenly lose your husband.

691
00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:14,960
You find out he was in debt and
you're left destitute, with not so
much as a euro to your name.

692
00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:17,000
Are you taking the piss?
And so,

693
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:20,320
in the spirit of all that is
Benidorm,

694
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:25,960
Jacqueline and I have been taking a
collection from the residents of the
Solana throughout the day

695
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:30,000
and raised 33 euros and 40 cents.

696
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:32,960
And furthermore...

697
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:36,960
First of all, let me tell you -
I am not destitute.

698
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:39,960
I am merely between residences.

699
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:41,960


700
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:45,160


701
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:49,960
I don't need your pity, and I
certainly don't need charity.

702
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:53,960
I'll admit - my Mel had his problems
in business.

703
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:55,960
But he taught me one valuable
lesson.

704
00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:57,960
There's more to life than money.

705
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,960
Do you think having a cliff-side
villa made me happy?

706
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:04,960
Do you think having a Jacuzzi made
me happy?

707
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:09,160
Do you think being able to go
shopping whenever I want,
not worry about the cost,

708
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,320
made me happy?

709
00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:16,480
Mam...

710
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:19,960
What was I saying?

711
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:21,960
Oh, yeah.

712
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,800
None of those things made me happy.

713
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:26,960
They were nice, but they didn't make
me happy.

714
00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,000
The one thing that made me happy...

715
00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:32,960
..was the love of a good man...

716
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:37,320
..and a piss-poor collection is not
gonna bring him back.

717
00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:42,320
So, you can stick your 33 euros
where the monkey keeps his nuts.

718
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:44,960
Well, it's not only the 33...

719
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:46,320
Oh, just go away.

720
00:43:46,320 --> 00:43:48,960
Why don't you give it to charity?

721
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,960
Do you have a favourite charity,
Madge?

722
00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:53,320
Oh, frig the charity.

723
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:56,160
You keep the money.
Looking at the state of you,

724
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:58,960
you obviously need it
much more than I do.

725
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:00,960
Oh, no, we couldn't do that.

726
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:03,960
Did you hear what I said? Keep the
bloody money.

727
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:06,960
OK. Well, it's very kind of you.

728
00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:09,960
I'll get the name changed on the
cheque in the morning.

729
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:12,960
Hey, hang on a minute. What cheque?

730
00:44:12,960 --> 00:44:15,960
The cash is from the collection,

731
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:19,960
but the Solana have also given a
cheque for 500 euros.

732
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,960
That's very kind of you. This is our
second holiday this year,

733
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:26,960
and we're certainly feeling the
pinch.

734
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:29,960
I'll get the name changed in the
morning. Enjoy the rest of your
evening.

735
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:31,960
Oh, my God!

736
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:34,800
The fat, twisting bastards.

737
00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:36,960
They've got my money.

738
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:39,960
Come here, you. Come here. Come
back! Come back!

739
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:41,960
You're not getting away with that!

740
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:45,640
That's my money. That is my money!

741
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:48,640
Oooh! Ow!

742
00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:53,960

my heart

743
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:57,320
(GRUNTING AND GROWLING)

744
00:44:57,320 --> 00:44:59,480
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